The Catharsis of Religion

I believe that radical fundamentalism really only appeals to certain people, as mentioned in the previous post. One of these groups is those with mental illness or learned personality disorders. A common example I've seen is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Here is an article that sums it up easily, for those needing clarification. Some of the hallmark symptoms include an exaggerated view of their own intelligence and looks, a very high sense of their own importance, even when the corresponding contributions and accomplishments aren't there, a propensity to be a pathological liar, especially when revising an event to make themselves seem superior and errors belonging to others, blaming others for any mistake associated with themselves, sense of entitlement, arrogance, a sense of being superior than others, exaggerating academic (and other) achievements and inflating accomplishments, justifying their lack of relationships by assuming people either are envious of them, feel like a failure compared to them, or are just not on their level of looks, intelligence, etc..., and, what I feel to be one of the key elements, a complete lack of empathy. I believe this is key, because this inability to sense people's feelings makes them unable to sense the disgust and revulsion of people around them. They can be surrounded by people who are intensely annoyed or put off by them and truly believe that everyone enjoys their presence. Conversations are especially frustrating, since they tend to tell the same stories over and over, using the same anecdotes of usually fictitious events to make the same points endlessly. They are always the heroes of the stories, while everyone else is failing in some capacity. They have an addiction to affirmation, which is ironic since they are harshly and vocally critical of others. Because they crave constant flattery, they brag about even the smallest accomplishments, usually inflating the difficulties to such an extent that mundane household chores seem to be massive achievements. Everything suddenly has an elaborate back story, and they are the conquering heroes. The lack of empathy also makes them tactless and harsh in their criticism, but inversely they will go into tantrums at the slightest feeling of being reprimanded. They jealously guard their superiority in any capacity, and feel the need to "one up" anyone else getting attention. If someone is ill, they have been more ill, for example. If someone is praised for an accomplishment, they hasten to point out where they performed even better. Again, most of the events they fall back on are exaggerations at best, outright fabrications at worst. They are greedy and tend to hoard items, and because of their sense of entitlement and lack of empathy they have no problems rationalizing stealing something they believe they "deserve" or is "rightfully theirs." Because of this behavior, they are extremely suspicious of others. They assume everyone else wants what they have, since they assume others envy them. If it is pointed out that they have few (if any) meaningful relationships, they assume it is because of their superiority that others are intimidated by them. If the lack of human contact causes their flattery well to dry up, they turn to virtual achievements to reinstate their feelings of dominance. (Social networks like Facebook feed this beautifully.) They do not differentiate a lasting impact on someone's life between a high score in a game. Both equally feed their inflated egos and give them that affirmation fix they crave.

Dealing with a narcissist is exhausting, since they are relentless in their need to stay superior in every capacity and boundless in their snide criticism. Spouses and children suffer the most, since the emotional starvation they suffer with never being shown affection, empathy or compassion, coupled with the verbal (and sometimes physical) abuse, added to the constant demands for praise and affirmation and sense of entitlement coupled with laziness, leaves them beyond drained. Even as their needs are neglected, they must cater to the narcissist or risk the abusive consequences.

Many who read this can relate, having had to deal with someone who fits this profile. Sadly, one place the narcissist finds cathartic is religious fundamentalism. Fundamentalism itself fits the description of a narcissist in many ways, notably the grandiose sense of self-importance, inflated views of achievements and impact, greed for wealth and power, rampant racism, lack of compassion and empathy, and a detached sense of reality that they justify through belief that they are inhabiting a "higher plane" than the rest of us. The leaders tell the same stories over and over, with their spiritual prowess always triumphing over the "evil" person. (The irony is, they especially love to brag about taking on one of the "cults" like the "JW's" or Mormons. Nothing excites a fundamentalist more than being able to tell off a fellow cultist.) They promote racial supremacy, even claiming it is spiritually justified. If there is no evil person to triumph over, they create one. I have heard more preachers rail about what the would say and do to "the guy" who tries to take their guns, their kids, or their KJV Bible... when in fact, nobody cares. They justify the most heinous treatment of people because of the combination of a lack of empathy and the need to assert the superiority of their beliefs. This overrides the natural humanity of the average non-abusive person. This is why the churches embracing this mentality "eat their own" as it were, if someone slips into sin or even worse, tries to pull away from their control.
If you find yourself trapped in these abusive relationships, more than likely you will be drawn to these types of churches. The tragedy is, even as these cults attract those with NPD and provide them with the catharsis of a spiritual mandate for their behavior, they also attract those from abusive and dysfunctional situations. These victims were never allowed to think for themselves, always reacting to their environment instead of being able to control or change their situation. They see these church "families" as filling all the voids from their troubled pasts, and shutting out the world helps them shut out their pain. They don't see it as denying reality, they really think they are just avoiding sin. To them, an environment where strong, powerful leadership is unquestioned and a positive, safe outcome is (falsely) guaranteed seems like the safe haven they've searched for their whole life. In fact, it's just locking the fox in the hen house.

The Delusion of Control

After all we have been through the last couple years, I have truly come to see the appeal of the illusion of control. I could not understand why people would cling ferociously to the teachings of their church, against all logic, evidence, even common sense, even as they saw their family falling apart around them, until I realized that they are trying to grasp the reins on this runaway stagecoach that is our lives. When you are told that following a narrow set of guidelines gives a guaranteed outcome, especially as a parent, this appeals to everything inside of us that craves control. You are told you are submitting, letting go, denying yourself, but in fact you are really telling God he owes you one. If I keep up my end of the bargain, God is required to deliver. I remember a woman who suffered from depression, who, upon having a bad day began tearing her house apart looking for the "sin" that was summoning the demons oppressing her. She dug out a box of old Motown records, and gratefully destroyed them. It was easier for her to believe that dusty, never-played records were causing her troubles, because she could destroy them. She could be in control of that. Another mother whose daughter was slipping away from her ran to her room and threw out all the girl's jeans, believing they were somehow causing her daughter's issues. They had both bought into the lie that everything bad that happens is because of sin, so if you are struggling, it's the Devil. Period. (Never mind Job, I guess.) I have seen people who could never face up to the fact that sometimes, LIFE IS HARD. Teenagers are moody and difficult to understand. Good people get sick and die. Hard-working men lose their jobs. It happens. You can't control it. We are beyond narcissistic when we want to take both blame and credit for everything. God does not care if you read a New King James Bible, wear blue jeans, listen to music with (GASP) a beat to it or not. I saw enough sexual deviants within these circles to assure me that focusing on the minutia is either a sign of delusion or deliberate deception. Who cares if your daughter wears blue jeans if your son is a child molester? Where is the balance? Where are the sensible priorities? Where is the common sense? Not in any of the truly fundamentalist churches. Now, I have seen certain groups of people thrive in these environments: emotionally scarred (usually from a difficult or "colorful" past), Kennedy Syndrome sufferers (large extended families of fundies, usually in the ministry, who form Kennedy-like dynasties), narcissists, and people of below-average intelligence. People will be quick to point out exceptions, those naturally sweet-tempered people you find in any religion that they hold up as the ideal, but you don't make a rule based on the exception. Overall, these are the groups who thrive either being completely in control, or in blindly following someone else completely in control. They are both delusional. Do you really think all your troubles are because your wife wore blue jeans? You really think with the true pain and suffering going on the world, the unspeakable horrors people suffer in our ghettos, in other cultures, in the nearest city alley, that God cares about your church's pet standard? I am picking on blue jeans, but the concept is the same no matter what the trivial hang-up. Life did not come with an instructional manual. The Bible teaches you how to survive the ride and make the most of our brief sojourn here. It turns what could be a momentary blip on a radar into a life that matters and leaves a lasting impact on the world when we go. By no means, however, is it a recipe book that gives you some kind of magic code to produce the outcome you want. (Pardon the mixed metaphor.) Not to mention, as much as they scream about the Bible, most of these pet standards aren't even in the Bible, or are misapplied Jewish guidelines. If you are still trapped in the fear and control of these circles, with everything inside of you screaming to escape, just let go. Get out and live your life. Don't let the fear cause your life to spiral into a self-fulfilled prophesy. Too many escape, only to let the paranoia that is brainwashed in control them and drive them to a life of pain and confusion, not knowing what standards mattered and which did not since they are presented with equal importance. I know people who left these churches, lived in gross immoral sins, devastated their families, destroyed their health with drugs, but still think the KJV is the only Bible and that Santa Claus is Satan trying to undermine God. It's a good thing they got their priorities right! I mean, who needs an intact, functional family as long as there's no mention of Santa, right? Give me a break. Calmly, think it through. Study your Bible with an open mind. Talk with your spouse about your concerns. Make the decision that will best keep your family close to each other and emotionally healthy and happy. Do what is best for your family unit, not what makes you look like a Super Spiritual Christian. Yes, it's humbling finding out you weren't really on some inside track to God's favor. More likely, you were an arrogant blowhard that did more harm to the cause of Christianity than any political agenda.
I guess the best way to summarize my point is this; If you realize that there is something wrong, and you want to make a change to better your family, use your God-given common sense. It is hard, since at first, everything that goes wrong you will blame on your "rebellious" heart. Or, you will miss the pride and affirmation that comes from living a life that stroked your ego and drove your family apart. In time, though, you find a peace in accepting that living in that kind of an environment does more harm than good, to individuals as well as to family units. Don't stay in it, even when you know it's wrong, for fear of losing your kids. (You're more likely to lose your kids when you negate your credibility with them by following this nonsense.) They do not have the answers, they cannot guarantee the outcomes, for good or for bad. This is a tragic lie too many have bought into, and a lie too many cannot let go of, even as they see it being debunked time after time as entire generations are lost to Christianity thanks to the damage of radical fundamentalism.

Have we no class?

I am prepared for the big, collective eye-rolling at this post, but I am going to say it anyway. The joking in Tropic Thunder about mentally disabled people is only funny to those who have absolutely no class. I understand that in movies nothing is sacred, and there are movies a lot worse and more cruel. Still, when a movie attacks a particular group, that group has the right to defend themselves, to protest, to boycott. So when a movie attacks a group that cannot defend themselves, it is left up to the few people in this country that still have a little class and dignity to defend them. Yes, they have a right to make this movie, and it's just a little exchange between characters, but we have a right to point out that those who find abuse of true innocents funny inhabit a region of humanity lower than any other. To me, this is akin to a scene in a movie about child abuse where the abuser is considered hilarious and everyone laughs at the beaten child. Why don't they include a scene like that? Because it's not funny, it's sick. It takes a depraved level of desensitization, insensitivity and cruelty to think this is funny. Ironically, although some are born with these kinds of disabilities that you may find so hilarious, keep in mind you are one car crash, brain aneurysm, or, in the case of those who like this kind of drivel, one drug overdose from finding yourself in their shoes. Would it be so funny if it was you, or someone you loved? Would you want people pointing and laughing at you, your child, your friend, quoting lines from a movie glorifying this base behavior of mocking the disabled? Please read this article by Timothy Shriver at the Washington Post to read the exchange I am talking about.

On a side note, when Dreamworks was preparing for Robert Downey Jr. to play a black man for this movie, they carefully tiptoed around the issue, even bringing in focus groups to make sure nothing was offensive to black people. I suppose they assume the disabled don't deserve this kind of respect.

Overall, they claim the movie is a stab at the whole political correctness overload and also making fun of the sleazy Hollywood set. I certainly have no problem with those premises, but making fun of an ego-driven washed-up actor is not on the same level as mocking the disabled. I think that's where they cross the line.

Hat tip: Thanks, Kara, for sharing this, and also Megan for posting about this as well! (I just found your post, Megan - I guess we both had the same reaction!)

When Love Takes You In

A beautiful, moving music video about adoption

Supreme Court gets it right!

Supreme Court upholds individuals right to own guns.

Unimaginable Grief

Many of you know I am a fan of the group Selah, although I only followed them until the sister (Nicol) left the group in 2004. I was browsing some music/news about them, and read that Nicol had lost a baby to SIDS only weeks ago. This is only 7 weeks after her brother lost a newborn child as well! If you follow the link, you can follow these stories on their blog. I cannot imagine the grief this family is going through, and since they have been such a spiritual inspiration to me, I wanted to share their story so you could pray for them as well. I know we don't know them personally, but we like to follow the mundane gossip of the latest celebrity that means absolutely nothing to anybody. So I think it is only appropriate that when someone is hurting that has given so much of their life trying to serve the Lord and actually make a meaningful contribution to humanity, we should take a moment out to say a prayer for them. Then take another moment to realize how fragile and sacred life is while we hug our own babies extra long tonight.

Changing attitudes toward race?

I loved this article (Thanks to my MIL for saving it for me) and wanted to share it with you! I even posted it on my Facebook mini-feed, so if you read it there... it's the same article.

Rachel Lerman is the embodiment of melting-pot citizenry: Born in 1967 in Boston to a blonde, blue-eyed, Roman Catholic white woman and a black man from Nigeria, she was placed in foster care and shortly thereafter adopted by a white couple and raised Jewish.

This issue hits close to home with us, since we have adopted trans-racially (our daughter is Colombian and Mayan), and my sister is black. Okay, just kidding, she's not black, but her fiance is Caribbean and Portuguese. So yes, he's black. (Technically, dark brown, but you get the point.) And please stop with the "African-American" business. It is ridiculous to assume that all blacks are African, just as it is wrong to assume all whites are European. (I happen to half Caucasian, half of Mediterranean descent. It gets even muddier - the half Medit is actually Maltese, which is part Italian... so now I'm totally confused!!) We have had lots of discussions on interracial families, and what we find most fascinating is the difference in views between generations. Basically, the older you are, the harder it is to accept our multiracial society. Each generation seems to be a little more accepting, and although there are always exceptions and those just too steeped in ignorance and bitterness to let go of their racism, overall I think we are making progress. A lot of issues depends on individual confidence. A black person raised to be suspicious and bitter towards white people will interpret everything as "You're just doing that because I'm black." A multiracial child who is taught to be ashamed of one aspect of their heritage will shy away from it and struggle with identity issues. But we notice that people who are secure in who they are, or in the relationships they're in, can just shrug it off. Every once in a while it gets annoying, but overall you just roll your eyes.

I think it is important in racial issues (as with all areas of your life) to find BALANCE. I don't believe in complete assimilation of immigrants. Be proud of your heritage, keep your language, make your food, observe your holidays... BUT show us the same respect you want shown to you. Be proud of our heritage, our traditions, and learn our language as well. (I left out the food part, since I'm not a huge fan of American food. Hot dogs gag me and apple pie will send you to an early grave.) I think celebrating a separate culture is something done within your family and peer group, not something you force on your host country. I love experiencing other cultures, but I do get offended when they refuse to acknowledge mine. (Especially when they are living here.) NO, I don't expect complete assimilation, but I do expect respect. I love when my family does something specifically related to our heritage(s), but you won't see my immigrant grandparents with picket signs demanding they sing the national anthem in Maltese. We teach our daughter all about Colombia, but we also make her proud to be American. After all, that is what unites our family - we are Christians, and we are Americans.

So, what are you doing to improve the attitudes toward our multiracial society in your own family? How do you react to families of mixed heritage? Do you see them as impure mongrels or simply melting pot American? Do you still feel that staying racially pure is a moral issue, as believed for centuries? If you are a Christian, do you think your identity should be faith first, race(s) second, since the New Testament effectively lifted the race barriers? Come on, don't be shy! Let's have a discussion.